If You Don’t See Me 👍

Don’t fret. I’m still getting used to this new schedule.

I thought I was getting up at 5:30. That’s when my alarm goes off. I must’ve fallen back asleep for a while, because I got up, made coffee, breakfast, fed the cats, looked at the clock, and it was 10 of 7. Uh oh. Nobody was up.

I hustled Desmond and Aislyn out of bed, tried to help get them ready, got in an argument with Desmond.

I absolutely, more than almost anything I can think of, hate getting into it with him and then sending him off to school. It must be the most miserable feeling in the world to start off your day that way.

But he was giving Aislyn a hard time. Then he was giving me a hard time. I can’t just let that go.

I think of myself as a parent who tries my very hardest to always be fair. But Desmond thinks I only ever get after him.

It must be very frustrating and sad for him to feel this way. When I was a kid, I often thought my mother treated my younger brother better than me, too.

It’s true that you have a really different relationship with your oldest than you do with your youngest. While I love them both equally, I’m sure I must treat them somewhat differently. They’re not the same kid! How could you relate to them in the same way?

Maybe I’m wrong, but I think we sometimes expect more from the oldest. So there’s a possibility that there is a bit of a burden on the firstborn to behave a certain way.

I know kids fight. Paul and I did. He got on my nerves all the time and I’m sure I didn’t always make an effort to hide it. It’s just my unpleasant job now, as a mom, to manage it.

I guess at the end of the day I wish Desmond could really see himself the way I see him: the beautiful, good person that he is. And just accept that he’s not perfect; he’s going to make mistakes. That doesn’t make him “bad” or “worthless.” It makes him human.

And I wish he could see me as a mama who tries to be fair, even if it doesn’t seem that way to him, and who loves him no matter what.