I’m down to 175. From something like 214.

I was in a plus size 3x in January. When I went shopping yesterday, I had size large bottoms fitting me. Size medium tops. Size medium, friends. I haven’t been a medium since 2021, before I took the dreaded Depo Provera shot that blew me up like a balloon and put me out of commission for the better part of a year and set me back permanently. Until now.

I’m listening to Seasons by Chris Cornel. It’s on repeat, I haven’t bothered to fix it. I love this song. I love Sun Shower, too. I love Chris Cornel. You might say he’s slightly depressing. And you might be right. But I love him, anyway.

It was the era and the place he came from: Seattle in the 90s. Not that I honestly know anything about it firsthand. I only knew New England in the 90s, and that was hard enough.

Anyway, I seem to be crushing it right now, knock on bamboo.

They think I’ll reach 147. I hope I can do better than that. 147 is great compared to 175, but it’s still overweight. Even 130 is high end of healthy for me. I’ve got a small frame. You can tell by my tiny, dainty little wrists.

I’ll lose my assets if I get thin enough, though. I’ve already downsized quite a bit. It’s a fine line. Do I want to stay a little chubby to hold on to the goods? Or am I okay with much more modest errr…proportions?

I’m not really okay with either choice. That’s the problem.

The really real problem is I’m not okay with me. I think we all know that. I need to accept I’m beautiful as I am. I know. I don’t want my kids growing up like me, unhappy with themselves. Or only conditionally pleased with themselves.

My daughter eats like a horse. She’s skinny now, but come puberty, it’s going to catch up with her. I don’t want to be like my mother, but I don’t want to ignore a possible developing condition (obesity/ binge disorder) either.

Enroll her in dance next fall. Make sure she doesn’t give it up in college, like Mama did. One of my worst mistakes.

Oh, crap! This post was meant to be uplifting. Wait, here you go:

Well, I tried. You’ve gotta give me that.