I was discharged from the ER around 11:30 yesterday morning, after having been there 6 1/2 hours. When I got there at 5, I was so sick to my stomach, in tears. Not long after I arrived I threw up violently. I think it might’ve been the Outshine Popsicles I had eaten. I thought because they were sugar free, they were okay, but I guess they have a lot of natural sugars from fruit juices. Dumping Syndrome already.

They gave me morphine early for pain. I fell asleep. They gave me meds for nausea and had me take an (TMI) enema. They wanted me to take another one at home. Only the first one took, and I don’t feel emptied.

I came home and slept for something like 3, 4 hours. Still no food staying down. Got up for a while, went back to bed around 6:30. Got up to take meds only, until 4:30am. Now, at 6:30, here I am.

Desmond is downstairs, at least, so I’m not alone.

I’m having buyer’s remorse. It’s really scary that I can’t eat anything at all without belching or vomiting it back up. I can’t even drink or sip anything without discomfort. All I can do is chew ice chips. Or sip from a teaspoon. Like soup.

There’s a clinical name for what has happened, but I can’t remember what they told me, nor can I find it in the discharge notes. It starts with an S. So they seem to know what’s going on, at least.

The last few days have seemed to drag on like weeks. Most of the time I don’t feel well enough to do much of anything. Even type. That’s why I haven’t, much.

I feel helpless. I feel a million miles away from my kids. They’re sitting here in front of me right now, but if they need me, if they start to fight, there’s not much I can do. Oh, great, now I’m crying again.

I’m emotional because I’m afraid to take my pills, which they said I can’t take if they’re bigger than an M & M. They said I can break them into my food, but I can’t eat any food.

Smells bother me like when I was pregnant with Aislyn. Bad smell=immediately nauseous.

It’s hard to imagine that I won’t get through it. It’s just scary right now.

I just hope in six months, a year, five years, it will have been worth it.