Well, There’s a Real Shocker

I’m up 2.4. I’m so disgusted with myself right now.

We have an uninvited guest. Again, shocking. I can hear it at night. Hopefully it’s behind the wall and not in the actual house. Either way the noise is freaking me out.

I hate critters.

I’m being super sarcastic. Sorry. I get that way when I’m frustrated or angry.

Right now I’m angry with myself for not being smarter. Frustrated with the house for not being cleaner.

You know, my job makes me extremely active. You would think I’d be able to eat whatever without gaining, but no. I eat that much. I’m being a terrible model for my kids.

If I don’t stop it now, Aislyn will adopt the same habits (too late?), be overweight and blame me for it. And she would be right to.

So, I’ve had my fun. It’s time to be an adult and do this right. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, since I keep messing up every single day for the last year plus. But it needs to be done.

No pressure.

I guess I’ll just pre-track, and then try really hard to only eat what I track. Or at least stay in my healthy range (up to 32 points a day). Continue to limit caffeine, though I frequently forget to stop. I’ll set an alarm.

Maybe no more Instacart. Maybe I have to get up and go to the store if I want goodies. I’ll only use the Walmart app for the weekly groceries.

There, I took Instacart off my Home Screen.

I feel like every week, I fail. Then, with the best of intentions, I put all these measures in place, only to find loopholes all week to continue to sabotage myself and fail again. Do you guys feel that?

You probably root for me, but fully expect me to fail, by now. Because that’s what happens nearly every week for the last…56 or more weeks. Why can’t I get out of my own way?

I feel I’ve been super negative lately, even with the Abilify. I didn’t really communicate that to Dr. Naimark, though, and I don’t see him again until…February 21.

Negativity never helps me lose.

I think life events are stressing me out. When life gets hard, people often revert to their factory settings. I’ve got to find a way around that. Persevere, like the kids’ school motto.

Maybe stoicism wouldn’t be a bad thing for me to learn. I think possibly I have misunderstood it in the past. It’s worth looking into, at least.

Anyway, I don’t think the fact that I’m continuously tweaking a system should discourage me in any way. That’s just what you do. That’s what the engineers do at work, right? Maintenance technicians?

That’s what behaviorists do. The scientific method is all about series of planned, well-timed adjustments, cause and effect.

Maybe I’m not giving my plans enough time to work.

Maybe a lot of things. I’ve been talking about this for a long time. I’m ready to change the subject, or do something else altogether. Talk later, friends.