Up and Down, Up and Down

Came down here around 2, had a drink, futzed around on my phone for a while.

Back to sleep on the couch, but it’s weird. I can hear myself breathing when I’m on my back, and I’m not breathing well. Which means I don’t sleep well on my back.

Up again for coffee and light box.

I don’t know what’s lodged between my thumb and thumbnail, and I’m not sure I want to.

This phone hurts my hands. I thought about getting a smaller one, but I’ve only had this one for a month, and won’t the surgery correct this problem, anyway?

I hope so.

I’m still tired. I need to go up and take my meds.

It’s weird that I go back to work tomorrow. I have all this laundry, all these chores to do today. I feel like I haven’t really had a weekend, at all. I guess because I haven’t.

I had nearly 26,000 steps Friday. I’m so frustrated with myself for coming home and eating like a horse every night.

This time right now, doing what I’m doing, is a gift, and I am totally squandering it. And recognizing that doesn’t help at all.

I don’t know what else to do.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Possibly.

Am I eating my feelings? Possibly.

But I think really, I’m just being lazy. But somehow I don’t think the answer is to work harder. I’m already working hard most of the day.

Maybe I need to find a different way to unwind.

Maybe I need to give up caffeine entirely. I could sleep through the night.

That would be hard, giving it up completely? I get up at 3:30, after all.

Maybe I should track my consumption, though, and systematically lower it.

But then that’s just another thing I won’t track and feel bad about not tracking.

I feel like I just go in circles all the time with this, and never resolve anything. Do you all feel that? I’d be surprised if you didn’t.

I need a signal from the universe, some kind of inspiration to guide me in the right direction.

Come on, Universe. Do your thing.