Look at the Sky

The colors

It’s important to appreciate life’s natural beauty, isn’t it? Too often, I get caught up in the minutiae of the day, and forget to do this.

In real life, I am an A-type, tightly-wound ball of stress. Well, maybe not so much with treatment. I am more like a happy little A-B blend Nerf ball. Yellow.

I took the test not that long ago, and I think it came out very A, but, I don’t know. I think I am chill sometimes. But like I said, it could be my meds, chilling me the F out.

Anyway, your meds aren’t supposed to change who you really are. They’re supposed to enable the best version of yourself. Who you are, uncomplicated (or less complicated) by depression, anxiety, ADHD, or other conditions. Because the conditions are not who you are, although they are a reality for you. They don’t define you.

I wish there was a medication that made me not define myself by my size.

Meds can cause weight gain. We know that. But I don’t really blame the meds (except to a certain extent, the Depo, for having increased my appetite and fatigue for some months); I mainly blame unhealthy, strongly ingrained habits.

And I blame myself. What a surprise!

I blame myself for many things. I have an unhealthy, strongly ingrained guilt reflex, as well. Possibly from growing up Catholic, but more likely due to issues around my mother.

Put it this way: if I don’t presently have something to feel guilty or sorry about, my brain will reliably find something and fixate on it. Could be years or decades old, but somehow, the reflex wins.

Is that twisted, or what?

Yeah, I have baggage, alright. But you love me anyway? Hope so.

The beauty of the meds, though, is that they help to keep the inappropriate feelings of guilt under control. They’re maybe active in the background of my mind, or dormant with the threat of becoming active, but I’m not usually obsessing over them.

I’m not saying that meds neutralize guilt when it’s appropriate to feel guilty. That is not the case. Meds are not a free pass to behave badly. They do help me not to feel so bad about some random comment I might have made or some mistake I made decades ago that was already addressed.

They help with the really irrational guilt. They also help me make better choices, I think, so that I have less to feel sorry about.

For instance, I’ve noticed that Abilify keeps me from emotionally beating myself up. Derek hates it when I put myself down. Unfortunately I’ve run out of Abilify over the last maybe two or three weeks, and I have only recently made the connection that, yes, I have been picking on myself more lately. I let the mean self-talk in. Abilify provides a much needed filter for the negative self-talk.

Wow, this post got heavy, didn’t it. Hope I haven’t bummed you out.

The good news is, meds help me a lot. They make me an ally to myself; not my own worst enemy.

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