Good Morning (Again)

I went back to sleep on the couch for a while. Not sure if I slept at all, but I feel more rested.

I’ve heard you should get up the same time everyday. That’s why I got up so early. Also, I am eager to start my day. That’s got to be a good thing. That must mean my meds and the light box are working.

Also, this kind of journaling that I do has been helpful, I think.

I’ve never suffered from a deep depression like some people do, where you can’t get out of bed at all, or some people lose the ability to talk, move, look at you.

If you’ve never seen the movie The Joy Luck Club (based on Amy Tan’s book), do. There’s a woman in the film that goes through the severest depression I’ve ever seen, and can’t even speak. Catatonic? Now I’m wondering if it’s something more than depression.

Whatever it is, it renders her completely unable to communicate with her daughter. It’s heartbreaking.

The entire movie is heartbreaking. But beautiful. I saw it by myself in college, and cried and cried. I don’t normally love tearjerkers, or I do, but in a different way. Joy Luck is probably my favorite tearjerker.

But I digress. I’ve never had that kind of severe depression. I’ve never been suicidal, thank God. But I have sometimes felt frantically trapped in situations and not known how to get out of them. That’s anyone, though, right?

No, my depression is more like dysthymia, which is a pervasive, mild depression that you may just kind of live with pretty much all the time.

I was diagnosed with depression as a young teen, but thinking back, and knowing what I know now about depression, my mother’s mental illness and child development, I was probably born with it. Heritability is 40-50%.

My adolescence, right around the time I started periods, was just when it came to a head.

I certainly had the general and social anxiety as soon as I was able to engage with peers. My earliest memories of socialization in school (and away from my parents) are fraught with feelings of awkwardness and just plain fear.

Certain situations in my life may have plunged me into temporary moderate depression, and I definitely had postpartum both times. But mostly, it’s dysthymia.

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until 2017. Dr. Naimark told me that sometimes, when ADHD is untreated, it becomes harder to treat depression.

They call all of it ADHD, now. I’m not sure if I’m actually hyper, but I do often have difficulty sitting still, I do finish peoples’ sentences (so annoying), I do frequently interrupt, I do have fidgety behaviors (I constantly touch my lips and pick at things), and I am impulsive. So maybe.

But none of those things ever got me in trouble in school. Although my inattention occasionally did.

But I’m not a talker. I have a filter. So I don’t know.

I’m not done this post, but I am done, because I have to make breakfast. Have a good morning, readers. Talk later.

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