Zoo

We’re supposed to go to the zoo today. It might be kind of hot. It’s supposed to get up to 88 in Dover. Lots of sunscreen, I guess.

I think Water Country would be fun, but maybe not for these kids. I doubt they’d go on the water slides. Aislyn doesn’t like getting water in her face at all. There’s that river ride, where you just float on a raft, but I think there are water falls that would dump on their heads.

There’s the wave pool. I have recurring dreams about being in wave pools, I wonder what that means.

I guess Water Country would really only be fun for Leah, so never mind.

But there’s the Durham outdoor pool, too. They renovated it several years ago. It’s beautiful. We took the kids a few summers ago, when Aislyn was only 2 or 3. There’s a per person fee if you’re not a Durham resident or don’t have a membership. The membership would only be worth it if I could take the kids during the week, but of course I work.

Both of these activities require less clothes than I’m comfortable with, right now. But it’s for the kids, you kind of have to let go of your vanity and insecurities for your kids.

And who am I kidding, anyway? If I was a 90-pound toothpick, I would still not be comfortable in a bathing suit. No matter my size, I will never be happy.

But I could be happy-er. Much happier.

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and I don’t know what to do.

I think it was Katey, many years ago, who said that even if my body looked exactly the way I wanted it to, she thought I would probably then focus my attention on something else I wasn’t happy with, like my complexion, or my nose.

I think most people don’t think there’s anything wrong with my nose. But when we were kids, my cousin told me I have the Donaher nose. At that young age, I thought this was hilarious…until a couple of years later, when I hit puberty and really started to care about my looks.

This same cousin saw Desmond pulling my hair while I was holding him and said I didn’t have much more hair to lose. She didn’t mean it to be mean, I’m sure. Her hair has thinned, too, since we were kids, although she had more hair than anyone I’ve ever known when she was a teenager. Remember the whole big hair thing from the 1990s? Well, she had that. And then some.

That’s when I stopped growing it out long, though. At that point, I realized I just couldn’t pull off long hair, anymore.

It’s alright. It’s because I’ve aged, and I’ve had two kids, and that’s what happens. It looks good short or medium length. And it’s still red.

I can accept my hair being different than it was in my youth. I can even accept my laugh lines, and the odd little lines appearing near my lips. I cannot accept my body being different. Not this different.

I have to change my habits permanently. So I don’t keep going up and down.

Maybe I lost all that weight last year too fast, because I certainly have put most of it back on quickly enough.

I know what things were different. I was working from home, part time—the freelance writing gig. I was getting up at, like, 7 or 8, and going to bed around 10. I biked 6 times a week. I tracked to the letter of the law. I drank protein shakes for lunch and snack until I couldn’t, anymore. I lost weight even while constipated for three months. I was not on any birth control.

Except for the constipation I was living the good life. In at 8, out at 2, never had to leave the house. But even as a merchandise coordinator in the Somersworth TJ Maxx I continued to lose because it was such active work and I got all my steps in everyday.

I stopped losing weight when I transferred to Portsmouth and became a cashier. Then I began to gain at Hutchinson because I stand still all day and am too tired to bike at home. Also at some point I stopped tracking. That’s the biggest thing. I don’t really blame Hutchinson for gaining. It’s the tracking gone out the window.

The real trouble, though, seemed to start with the Depo. And it’s just continued and probably extended well beyond the Depo at this point.

So, here I am, back at pretty much square one. I’ve been stuck, just stuck, for months and months.

And, I’m sorry if this is offensive, but I’m not going to sugarcoat. I’m horrible to myself. I say mean things to myself all day. I won’t tell you what they are. Mean, just mean. Things Kenny (my ex-uncle) would say about me. Actually said about me, even when I was a healthy weight. Worse than Kenny. Way worse.

I apologize for my negative attitude and disappointing behavior. But I’m only apologizing to you all; not myself. And I’m the one taking all the abuse.

This is my reality, right now. I’m doing all the wrong things. I am very mean. Not to anyone else, just myself, but very mean, nevertheless.

Why do you guys even like me?

I’m just reading this back and wondering if I should tell Dr. Naimark to put me back on Abilify. You’re all saying, “Ya THINK?!”

It seems like on the Abilify, I might still have some of these automatic mean thoughts, but I was better at self-correcting them. And I could get out of my weepiness much quicker, too. I was sad all yesterday morning.

I think he’s on vacation this week, but he said something about a person being available in his absence.

I will call Monday after work.

Treating myself like sh** is not going to help me. And you probably hate it, too. So, again, I’m sorry. Sometimes I cross the line of sharing my vulnerability into alienating myself. I don’t want to alienate myself.

I am smart. I am strong. I am beautiful…right?