I have a Dr. Naimark appointment at 8:15. It was the only time I could get. So I’m going into work late. Should be an interesting day.
Apparently for every pound you lose, it relieves 4 pounds of pressure on your body. No wonder I’m struggling at work, then. Lots of added pressure since February.
Yesterday wasn’t a great day. We had Pizza Hut. Desmond is getting braces today, and the particular kind he’s getting makes it so he can’t have pizza unless it’s cut up tiny. So it was kind of for him. But I also wanted pizza. I had salad with it, but I still had too much.
I was also up in the night. And I’ve picked up the foolish habit of grabbing a snack. I’ve tried having flavored water at my bedside to drink instead of the snacking, but it only works sometimes.
I’m more or less back where I started and feeling disgusted with myself. I know beating myself up is just going to make it worse, so why can’t I stop? It’s my MO, I guess. My deeply ingrained go-to behavior.
How do I change it?
I’ve been around in circles with this forever.
I just feel like giving myself a break is listing all my excuses. The Depo. The fatigue. The stress and anxiety. I mean, they’re all true, right? They’ve all happened. But they feel like crutches. Maybe barriers to progress even after they’re long gone.
I hold on to the past way too tightly. I know I do. It’s always, always been a problem for me. Letting go. And it’s painfully obvious to everyone who knows me.
How do I let go?
I mean, I have a couple of things going for me right now. The last two weeks I’ve avoided gaining. I’ve got a job change in the works that I’m certain is going to help, even just to improve my quality of life. I’m just super anxious about when it’s going to happen. I’ll bet even you’re anxious for me, at this point.
At the same time, I’ve got to try to stay in the moment. I can’t put this off until I start the new job. It has to be right now. It has to be today. The good news is, today is a new day. I can make choices that will lead me to a better outcome. I can always make a better choice. I don’t even need to wait until tomorrow. It’s never too late to turn things around.