The Weight of Weight

I woke up to go to the bathroom and now I can’t fall back to sleep, so here I sit, with my water and my coffee and my secret public journal. No, I can’t take credit for “secret public journal.” It’s a Mike Birbiglia thing, and I’m beyond pissed that I didn’t come up with it first.

I’m not expecting good news on the scale; quite the opposite, in fact. Food marathons for days.

The good news is it’s not too late to turn this around. One of my friend’s husbands used to say that to their kids when they started to engage in inappropriate behavior. I liked it, so I co-opted it. He didn’t like me very much, I don’t think. But anyway…

It’s not too late. I haven’t gained back all the weight. And even if I had, it still wouldn’t be too late. It’s never too late to change your habits, improve your lifestyle.

Basically, I need a reboot. Need to just start over. But for real, this time. How do I know today will be any different from any other day I’ve said I’m starting over and then failed to launch? I don’t know.

I know what I need to do. I need to make the conscious decision to track everything through the whole day. Can I track everything through one whole day? Sure. What about two days? Three?

Maybe if I track for three whole days, I’ll get those pants I wanted. Maybe they don’t even have to be consecutive days. It would take at least four days of tracking to make headway on the scale next week.

But maybe the scale’s not the most important thing right now. Maybe I just need to focus on the tracking, and no longer thinking of certain foods as “good” or “bad.” That’s what gets me in trouble.

My God, I wish I knew how not to let this define me. There are so many other things about me, and I know obsessing about food makes me seem one dimensional. I wish to hell that food was something I never had to worry about. It’s just one more huge stressor for me.

It’s already getting light out. I should go back to bed, but I don’t really feel tired.