I’m wondering, again, if I should just not have any of my favorite snacks in the house. We get groceries on Thursday, and most of my snacks for the whole week are already gone, because I binged them away.
I think the same thing happened last week. And when I ran out, I just ordered more.
Well, I can’t keep doing that. We can’t afford it, to say nothing of the fact that it’s unhealthy.
If I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to reorder once I ran out, would I ration them better? I don’t think so. That’s not how binges work. Binges don’t care that you only have two fiber brownies left for the week. Binges go all in.
I wish I could make the decision to not binge, but I don’t think it’s that easy, because I’ve tried. I even read this book called Brain Over Binge, that talked about training your brain to override the impulse to binge. The book was not wrong, I just haven’t been able to train my brain. Maybe I should reread it.
I feel like a miserable failure and a pathetic, weak, lazy loser right now. Isn’t that awful? But, as I use this blog as pretty much an open journal, I’m not going to sugarcoat. I feel like, if I can’t do this, I must not want it badly enough.
But I do! I want it soooooooooooooooooo badly. More than just about anything.
Here’s where I do the cognitive behavior therapy thing on myself. In reality, I’m one of the least laziest people I know. I know I’m not a failure, look at all I’ve accomplished in my life: I have two degrees, a home, a family. I write everyday. I’m not weak, I’m strong to have endured the hardships of my childhood and manage my mental health and medical needs everyday—no one can take that away from me. I’m not pathetic, no one pities me, nor should they. And I’m certainly not a loser. Everything I do, I work hard and try hard. No one’s perfect.
But do I feel better, now?
Actually, I do. I wasn’t really expecting that.