Up Again

Well, here I am awake at 2:30, so I go downstairs and try to sleep on the couch, but I’m too hungry, so I get up and make some oatmeal and some coffee. Well, I guess at this point I might as well just get up for the day.

Yesterday was a good day, I ate exactly what I had planned and finished at 23 points. I seem to actually do better with fewer snacks in the house. But I get a little panicky if there aren’t enough left for the rest of the week.

I know. I have mad problems.

It’s not like they’re necessary, nutritionally. I just need to know they’re available.

I wonder what would happen, though, if I didn’t replace them. What would I do?

Like I said before, I sometimes use oatmeal and cereal as snacks. Coffee, too.

I need to have some kind of incentive from day to day to keep me going on my journey. Just a little “sugar,” if you will. I budget for it everyday.

If I could eliminate snack from my plan, I’d probably be at goal in 3 months. No, not really. But it would certainly accelerate my weight loss. But it might also drain the joy of food out of me.

It would be awesome if I was one of those “eat to live” people, but I’m not. I’m one of those “live to eat” people. I don’t know if that will ever change.

The closest I got to eating to live was when I was seeing the naturopath in 2011-12. But then I got pregnant with Desmond and everything shifted back. I ate some funny things when I was pregnant: Beefaroni, Moe’s, orange creamsicle smoothies, Taco Bell. Chocolate.

Anyway, enough about food. Even I’m getting bored of it.

I took another personality test recently, VIA Institute? The positive psychology people. They say there are five universal character strengths, and break them down into 24 subcategories. The results were not surprising to me. Love of learning, perspective, teamwork, spirituality, and love.

I’m not spiritual in a religious, belong-to-a-church sense. I don’t think that’s what spirituality is. Although I was raised Catholic, I wouldn’t identify myself as anything other than perhaps vaguely Christian. I’ve just always believed in something. Something’s looking out for me, or I wouldn’t be this well-adjusted.

I don’t understand why some people are lucky and some aren’t, though. As much as I whine and complain, I’ve got it made. If there’s a higher power, how can there still be so much human suffering?

When my mother died I read that book When Bad Things Happen to Good People. The author suggests that God exists without total control over the world’s struggles. I can buy that.

Yet sometimes the little scientist in me quietly questions everything in the background. Are we sure there’s really something out there? What actually happens when we die? Anything?

All I know is regardless of the little scientist, I feel a connectedness to something, have faith in its existence and healing abilities. That, I think, is where my spirituality comes in.

Anyway, love of learning seems to be my most pronounced strength. Shocking. I’m a professional student. At least I was before I had kids.

Maybe I should go back to school. Maybe not right now, though. So tired. All the time.

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