Saturday

Well, it’s Saturday. It’s a brand new day, I’ve had a little extra sleep, I’m ready to write.

Last night, I did so poorly that I was too depressed to write anything. And after a 6-point day all day, and a nice salad for dinner. I still screwed it up.

I’m putting it back on fast, now, I’m not gonna lie. I think I’ve gone up another size. I do try, but I feel like it’s out of my control at this point. Intellectually I understand that it isn’t, but emotionally it all just seems too hard right now.

I wish I knew what the difference was between now and last year. Can it really still be the Depo? I’m still tired all the time, and, sorry men, but my periods are still worse than they were before I got the shot, but it’s hard to know now if I’m just tired because I get up at 4:30 on the weekdays.

I feel like I need to apologize to the men because, and this is really silly, now I’m thinking about it, once I told this guy I was dating in high school I had PMS and he very curtly said, “I didn’t need to know that.” Really, dude? Your girlfriend having PMS grosses you out? You’re in for a rude awakening when you get married and your wife starts having babies.

But he was a high school boy, and, really, an asshole; I judge myself for having dated him, he was all kinds of bad, and not in that good, bad boy way. He hated everyone.

In high school, I dated the modest handful of boys, usually from other schools, who were interested in me that I had some attraction to. I was cute in high school, but of course introverted and frequently depressed. Sounds like the perfect recipe for goth girl, right? I never was, though. I went from preppy to alterna-chick, and then in college, kinda slutty.

Anyway, I’m probably apologizing unnecessarily because most grown-ass men are probably not disgusted by menstruation. Okay, it’s probably not your favorite topic of discussion, but you put up with it because I’m female and you’re bound to hear about it sometimes and you like me, you know you do if you’re still reading.

Also, as I am 44, you are likely going to hear about menopause in the not so distant future. Lucky you!

Actually, I wonder if I’m not already starting that phase. I should really see my doctor, take some tests. Menopause could be affecting my attempts at weight loss.

I’m afraid of the scale tomorrow. I know I’ve had a significant gain because I’ve eaten like a horse for two weeks and all of my clothes are tight. It could also be partly bloating, though. I do balloon up on my monthly bill.

I mean, I know why I’ve gained the weight. It’s simple: too many calories. But I’m always looking for the reasons behind the extra calories.

Different people would have different focuses on the reasons. A psychoanalyst would want to know what was going on internally that would affect my eating habits: my emotions, probably. A doctor would be looking for underlying medical conditions. A behaviorist would want to know more about my environment, what’s cueing me to pick up the Hershey bar. A nutritionist would probably be the most direct approach. I had one years ago. It helped, but it’s usually not covered by insurance.

Well, you always start with the medical. So, as I said, I think a checkup is probably in order. I think I have one scheduled later this month. Maybe I could get a referral to a nutritionist.

In the meantime, what to do? Put those Hershey bars on the highest shelf if we have to have them (Desmond requested s’mores). Limit the variety of temptations that come in the house. Maybe research some new low-point snacks. Finish Tbe Shift, finally. Drink more water: on it. Two workouts a week? Surely I can handle that. Even if I have to do weekends.

That sounds like enough for now. Every day is a new day to try again, that’s the good news.