Of Vanity or Vulnerability

I look at myself in the mirror and I’m like, am I still attractive at this weight?

I think so??

But I don’t truly know. My figure is compromised, but my boobs are huge (for me, anyway). I don’t like the shape of my face. My skin is broken out right now. I’m extremely self-conscious of my arms.

I’m picking myself apart, which is exactly what I shouldn’t do. I know I can’t be the only one who does it, but that doesn’t make it okay.

I don’t think I’ve honestly come to terms with the fact that I’m not a tiny teenager anymore. Nobody cares that I used to be a size six except for me.

I haven’t been a size 6 since I was 26. I don’t think I’m ever going back. Not after two kids and all that COVID weight (60 pounds) I put on.

I’d be happy to be a 12 right now, thrilled to be a 10, over the moon to be an 8 at goal. But I don’t even know how attainable 8 is.

For most of you men, these numbers probably mean nothing. Just add 20. That’s supposed to be a woman’s waist size in inches.

I gained so much unnecessary extra weight before and during my second pregnancy, too, that I’m afraid my waist is shot. I will probably never get it back.

But I’m picking again.

Why can’t I just see myself as all around beautiful? That’s how I want Aislyn to see herself. That’s how I see her.

Too preoccupied with my looks, sure. I know. I don’t think that will ever not be the case, though. Until maybe I’m 80, and much, much wiser.

It’s the only way I know how to be. Since I was 9. In college I blamed the media and our culture, I blamed them hard. But I don’t really, anymore. I blame my mother, my uncle, my aunt. Myself.

It’s just that I’m the only one who can change it. I know that. Blaming won’t really help anyone. I can tell my aunt that I know she means well when she says I’d be “even prettier” if I lost weight, but it’s still hurtful, and I’d rather not discuss my weight anymore. I have the power to do that. And I’ve stuck up for myself other times about different things.

Why does a woman have to be thin to be her most beautiful? I was really, really thin for a while and it was not attractive. It was ghostly.

I’m not sure about posting this one. I’m afraid I’m saying too much.

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