Home Again

Another day over. I’m very bloated and my back is sore.

I’d get on the bike if I thought it would do one damn bit of good. But I’m tired, and I don’t think one 40-minute workout will change anything. I work out almost everyday and have nothing to show for it.

My points for today are still low, so there’s that.

I want to curl up and sleep on my bed, like a cat, but I have a Dr. Naimark appointment. He’s going to see that I’ve gained weight and think it’s the Abilify, but it’s not the Abilify, it is the Depo. I like Abilify. Abilify is my friend. Abilify rescued me from an excruciating postpartum depression, where anything and everything would make me cry, and I’d just sit there with tears rolling down my face, in front of anyone, it didn’t matter.

I forget sometimes that, although I’m a pretty strong person—I’ve been through and can withstand a lot in my life—I’m also, at the same time, really rather fragile. I depend on certain things to get by. I’m afraid to imagine what I would be like without medication.

I’ll just tell him what I told you, my readers. I’m sure he’ll understand. Maybe he won’t even weigh me this time. I hope not. There’s no way I’m the same weight as I was last month, or whenever I last saw him. I’ve just gone up, up, up, and particularly these last few weeks.

At the beginning of this particular journey, so probably back in May, Dr. Naimark asked me what my goal weight was. “110.” I said.

“How about something more realistic?” He said.

“125-130?” I said.

I don’t really want to be 110. That’s so very far away now, anyway. But even if it wasn’t. I don’t want to be the skeleton I was in college. For one thing, it’s too hard to maintain. It was even hard then. If I gained five pounds it felt like the end of the world.

For another, I was in fact too thin. You saw the photo ID. Although in fairness, I was probably more like 100 pounds when that was taken. Like I said, it was wild times. Food wasn’t always a priority.

Anyway, I’d be totally thrilled with 125. That’s not unreasonable for my height and frame, it’s actually on the high end of the healthy weight range.

But 125 now also seems very far away.

He should be out to get me any minute.

I backed into a snow bank out there with my car. I thought I’d hit the fence behind me. Nope. Just a snow bank.

Driving has never been my strongest suit. I totaled my Hyundai in 2012 in the snow. I hit a plow.

I was stuck waiting for the longest and slowest-moving train in the world. This idiot was entirely blocking my road, wasn’t paying attention to my honking, was probably texting.

He didn’t weigh me.

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