Up a Lot

The number was up today, way up. I couldn’t sleep. Then I woke up around 3:00 and got up.

It’s okay. I’ll have a better day, it’ll probably go back down.

I’m starting to get the hang of this self-compassion thing, I think. I’ll do better if I can learn to internalize it. Make it automatic.

We talked about Don’t Worry Be Happy in yesterday’s workshop. That was the topic. I laughed because of the song in the 1980s when I was a kid. I know I’m dating myself.

Some of my coworkers were literally born in 2000 or later. I was 22 in 2000. I’m old enough to be their mother. I could be a UNH mom right now, if we’d started a family earlier in our marriage. It’s so weird to me.

Because I usually forget I’m not still 29.

I can’t believe how close I am to 50.

I’m going to stop talking about this, now. It’s bumming me out.

There’s nothing I can do about the passage of time. It’s okay. I’m happy to be almost 44. The people I still look up to the most are a few years older than me.

I wouldn’t want to do my 20s again, anyhow. They were rough. I was a hot mess. Things kind of leveled off by my mid-thirties. And then there were children. Now I am “in the weeds,” as my therapist says. But I’ll take the weeds. It’s all good. I signed up for this.

I can’t, however, imagine having another child at my age. I was already tired at 39, when I had Aislyn. The Adderall helped immensely with that, though.

I show no signs of menopause or perimenopause as yet, though, which is odd, since my mother talked of menopause just before she died at 45. But she was a hypochondriac, so it’s possible that any symptoms she thought she was having were psychosomatic.

Anyway, that’s one reason why I jumped on the Depo wagon. Because as much as I love little babies, I’m pretty certain that I’m done having them. But I don’t know if my body would agree with me.

Even at 44, I may still be somewhat fertile. You never can tell. I mean, it does happen sometimes.

I was very fertile even in my mid and late 30s. We conceived both kids in no time. Desmond took a month, maybe. Aislyn we got possibly on our first try. And I was 38.

We were extremely lucky, no doubt about that. Some couples struggle for years.

I think it was Leah in the Bible who blessed Jacob with many children. No wonder she’s “the weary.”