I was able to get up early enough for some quiet time with myself and Shaner. I expect Aislyn will be up any minute.
The Depo or my monthly bill is really messing with my emotions right now. All yesterday I just wanted to cry.
Sometimes I believe I’m a bad parent and a horrible person in general. Selfish, self-serving. Inconsiderate. I felt that way all day yesterday.
You have to be very careful what you say to your children. I was told possibly just once, one time that I can remember, that I only thought of myself. And I have never forgotten. It’s stuck with me my whole life.
I’m not saying that that one incident is the whole reason I think I’m selfish. There are plenty of reasons. But I don’t think it helped.
I was also sometimes told I was overly dramatic, which is why I never use the word “drama” in front of Aislyn to describe her behavior, even if I can’t think of another word for it. Even though I do think she, too, can be dramatic at times. She’s just a little girl, still learning how to express her emotions appropriately.
Even Desmond, who is almost nine, is still learning how to manage his emotions. He used to see a child psychologist, and she would tell us that his intellectual intelligence was so advanced that it wasn’t commensurate with his emotional intelligence, which was age-appropriate or slightly below, and that’s why we were seeing behaviors. She didn’t think he needed therapy after a while, so we tapered off. But he still has strong reactions and outbursts and I still worry.
I used to get told I always had to have the last word. That was true, though. In my prepubescent years, backtalk was a reflex for me. And Desmond is very much the same, that way. The only thing I can think to do is to try to ignore it, though in all honesty, I’m not always successful, and then a power struggle ensues.
Well, this is all so cheerful, I could go on forever!
I have on my long skirt today. I have to hike it up all the way to right under my chest, though, to keep it from dragging on the floor.
I guess if I could change anything about my body, I’d add a few inches to one end or the other, just for convenience. So I wouldn’t have to hem my clothes, use a stool, nearly fall into washing machines, etc.
Well, everyone’s up now, and I have to go. Have a good day, my readers.