Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Sitting in my car, parked at DD, trying to be courteous by not talking and ordering at the same time.

I’ve been on hold for like, 10 minutes, at this point. I’m rapidly losing my patience.

Screw this, I’m getting in line. I’ll make the OB’s office wait if I have to.

I waited half an hour then called them from my home phone. I don’t know why they left me on hold forever and they did not apologize, but I guess they can’t schedule elective surgeries right now because of COVID being out of control again.

If people would stop being fricken idiots and go get vaccinated, maybe it wouldn’t be an issue.

If we can get Aislyn toilet trained by kindergarten, it would be worth giving up one weekend day every other week. There’s no way we can send her to school untrained. That would follow her all the way up through high school.

It’s extremely important to me that neither of these kids are ostracized, picked on, or bullied by their peers. They don’t have to be “popular,” whatever that facsimile of a sham is, but I can’t watch them go through what I did.

And we can’t really home school her. She’s already so excited about taking the bus with Desmond in September. Taking that away would break her heart. And I don’t want to punish her so severely for this problem. That would follow her forever.

We’ve tried rewarding with stickers, prizes, screen time, even chocolate, which I know you’re not supposed to do. It didn’t work, anyway.

We’ve tried removing privileges unless she goes in the toilet. That doesn’t work, either.

She is on Miralax. That doesn’t help her. Well, it keeps her from getting bound up, but doesn’t help her stay clean and dry.

Often I wonder if it’s something we’re doing that’s causing the accidents. Like, is it a behavioral response to something we’re doing wrong? Are we too lenient or too rigid? Are we too reactive? Too harsh? Too something? Not enough something? Do we say too much in front of her? Are we too critical? Too inconsistent or disparate between our approaches?

This is probably why I did not end up becoming a behaviorist. I have no idea what to do for her. All I can think is try the PT. I’ll lose some of my weekends and probably not ever get them back, but maybe I could go back into education later on. Maine has ed tech fours, now. They must make okay money. I could probably find something with banking hours. Maybe a bank.

I don’t think I want to be a teacher again. Definitely not anything other than preK. But I wouldn’t mind assisting.

Because I am kind of really bummed out that I don’t have a Christmas vacation anymore. Especially when the rest of the family does. I feel badly that I won’t be there.

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