Is This Some Kind of Bust?

This post is totally TMI, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to read it. I won’t make you.

As my returning readers know, I’ve been struggling with (and wasting money on) ill-fitting bras. So, finally, I broke out the yellow tape and measured exactly the way it says to online: bust, under-bust, and did the subtraction.

According to, I’m a 36-D?!

Not possible. Maybe while I was breastfeeding, but not now. We still laugh about my “mile-long cleavage,” a phrase coined by my husband, featured in Desmond’s baby pictures.

The Victoria’s Secret calculator is even worse, which is entirely un-surprising to me. They vanity size, meaning they scale their sizing standards to what they think you’d rather hear as opposed to what’s true to make more sales. They measured me in 2000 and told me I was a C. At the time I thought I was an A.

Naturally, I went to another store for a second opinion, because even then, I didn’t trust Victoria’s Secret as far as I could throw them; I don’t know why I went in there in the first place, I hate that store.

The next place told me I was a B. Okay, well at least that made more sense.

Right now, though, according to Victoria’s Secret, I’m a 36-DD!

Sorry, but, NO. I’ve never, ever been that big. These knockers are not detectable from space via satellite imagery. They do not precede the rest of me by five seconds when I’m rounding a corner. Only surgery could make me a DD.

I was a 34-A through high school and most of college. Weight gain bumped me up to a B in my twenties, then a C in my thirties.

And I think my pregnancies must have been immediately obvious to anyone with the gift of sight, as I went from average to YOWZA overnight.

I realize that breast size can change as many as six times throughout a woman’s life, but there’s just no way…

When I bought my last assortment of bras, though, recently, I thought I was probably a 38-C. And that didn’t end up working for me. After getting everything home, washed, and worn all day, I was in so much discomfort.

Further, anything 38 or above, I guess, is considered “full-figured.” If I’m a 38, then how would regular, non-plus-sized shirts fit me? I can’t be both full-figured and standard-sized, can I?

So now I’m all confused.

I will just have to stop guessing and go get measured by someone other than myself. Do people even do that anymore? Probably not during the pandemic.

I’ve never tried anything in a D. I’ve never had any reason to. Because I do not believe I am a D in any way, shape, or form—pun intended.

Actually, Kohl’s and most other sites (of like, a dozen I’ve plugged my measurements into) also say 36-DD. I give up!

Taking a road trip next Saturday to Exeter to get measured professionally.

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